OK. I don't vote, never have. I was registered to vote though (it was
done for me by sk00l), which did get me into jury duty for some kewl
murder trial. Fortunately I was the first pseudo-juror that the defense
chose to remove from the jury pool, so there! ;)
Anyway so as usual everyone I know (and people I don't) are calling me
lame for not voting. As usual I'm not budging though and people want to
know why, which is fine. I only question whether or not this'll be any
fun to listen to or how much anyone even really cares. But I'll tell
you why (even though I *did* try to spare you) since you pressed and
you can decide what to do with it. ;)
...a bit later. This is fucking huge! It's just too much, I don't
know how to shorten it. Uhhhh, you could like just post it on the
website? Or just throw it out and tell people to just keep making fun
of me, I don't really care. This is what happens when I'm finally
goaded into being serious, it's not pretty.
----
I don't vote and you think I'm an either a selfish asshole, uninformed
simpleton, or just someone who hasn't put any real thought into my
place in society and with a little (tough) love might be prodded into
action. Well I think that's what you think anyway. Fair enough. I'll
do my best to dispel those opinions and turn them into completely
different, even less flattering ones. I don't expect to change
anyone's mind and it probably wouldn't be good for anyone if I did,
which is just one more reason why I usually keep this sort of shit to
myself. See? Total philanthropist.
Let's start with the numbers. The US has 300,000,000 people living it
(thereabouts). Three. Hundred. Million. No I don't think any of us
are truly capable of really wrapping our minds around just how many
people that is, or how unarguably insignificant that makes one vote. I
know, I know, you're chomping at the bit with a bevy of frustratingly
obvious rebuttals, we'll get to them soon I promise. According to
Wikipedia (who's content is admittedly unguaranteed but generally
reliable) the 2000 election (which is inevitably everyone's example)
came down to a scant 537 votes. How could I *possibly* argue that my
vote doesn't matter now? GodDAMN I'm the world's biggest fucking
idiot! Yeah yeah, OK OK. Let's take a step back shall we? While my
stance isn't really influenced by such things, I feel they bear at
least a mention before we continue.
As many as 15,000 voters reported not voting because the election was
called early by the media and they mistakenly thought they'd missed
their chance. "A full cousin of George W. Bush, John Prescott Ellis,
was analyzing data from the Voter News Service for Fox News and had
several times contact by telephone with both George and Jeb Bush that
night. It was his decision to call Florida for Bush, with Fox being the
first network to do so." this was DURING the election. "Xavier Suarez,
who was ousted as mayor of Miami in 1998 on charges of absentee voter
fraud, was later elected to the Executive Committee of the Miami-Dade
GOP party. Suarez helped fill out absentee ballot forms and enlist
Republican absentee voters in Miami-Dade County for the 2000
presidential election." The Florida Secretary of State who was in
charge of Florida's "scrub list" (which contains "felons" who may not
vote) also happened to be a Bush state campaign co-chairwoman,
inconsistencies in the list suggest that at a minimum 8,000 voters were
wrongly denied the opportunity to vote. 180,000 mistakenly filled out
votes were never counted at all due to misconfigured voting machines.
I'm not generally one for conspiracy theories, I highly doubt that each
and every voter fraud anecdote stems from reality. We can however
safely and conservatively estimate that about 200,000 valid votes
either went missing or weren't counted at all. Well safely and
conservatively in my opinion anyway. That 200,000 is just for Florida
by the way, which obviously doesn't include say, Ohio. As I said, I've
been "not voting" since 1994 so none of this is actually responsible
for it, but this certainly seemed at least peripherally related to the
idea of a single vote making any lick of difference. If every state
were this bad a good 10% of the country's votes would go missing in
each election.
OK so now let's get to the meat of it. Out of 300,000,000 men, women,
and children in the US, just over 100,000,000 can and did vote in 2000
(51.3% of eligible voters). OK so right off the bat I'd like to point
out that my particular vote carries a 1 in 100,000,000 weight. Maybe
you think that if I voted in every single election from the time I was
18 until I died I might swing a national election, I simply disagree.
OK so now let's get to everyone's initial rebuttal. It's usually full
of expletives (you usually need some to get my attention anyway) and
ends with, "If everyone thought like you did no one would vote. If
everyone like you voted we could change the world. Blahblahblah,
etcetera."
Riiiiiiiight. There's a little part of everyone's brain that gets sort
of laminated once something gets in there. When you're a kid and your
parents tell you that jesus loves you and you're going to go to heaven
to spend the rest of eternity talking to your dog and throwing frisbees
to grandma, this part of your brain sucks it up. When retarded hick
children are told that god hates fags and niggers that little area of
the brain opens wide. Every time someone tells you that America is the
greatest country on earth and there's no arguing it no matter what,
zap! These are things that comfort certain people at certain ages. It
makes the world just a little more positive, easier to swallow, no need
to feel uncomfortable. If it comes from mom and dad to boot you've got
a powerful mixture of "undeniable, fundamental truth." People aren't
usually capable of examining things stored in these regions rationally
or objectively, they're just not. Might as well ask a mother to
honestly admit that her beloved son is a rapist, the brain glosses over
this shit. So when some Reefer-Madness After-School-Special blurb
tells you again and again how important your votes are, people tend to
write that to the "it's just true so shut the fuck up" part of the
brain and move on. If people who don't vote, "have no right to
complain" then not only is everything black and white simple, but by
voting you get free reign to feel morally superior. It's so perfect.
So easy. So human. Brain candy.
Fine say I did vote in 2000, the closest (per capita) vote in US
history (since we're obviously pretending that other elections will be
this close too). Say I have a time machine and I go back to vote. OK
first off do I happen to live in Florida? Nope. Done. The end. Only
a 2% chance of me living in the particular 1 of 50 states that happens
to swing shit anyway so who's shocked? What? In Bizarro World I DID
live in Florida? Fiiiine. OK did I vote for whichever candidate YOU
wanted me to vote for? Well chances are about 50/50 that I do these
days. Fine I'm a voting democrat who happened to live in Florida in
2000 even though there's only a 1% chance of that being the case.
Tada! We bent the laws of space and time, and now Bush only won by 536
votes, hurrah! The point of that was what again? Oh right but you
were all like, "if everyone acted like I did..." nonsensical, sorry I
forgot. My bad.
Nonsense? Yep. I don't control other people. I don't mystically
influence the masses no matter how much I might like to. My friends
all vote, most of you vote, my family members vote. So in what unicorn
and daisies laden world exactly do I somehow impact by either voting or
not voting? Am I Howard Stern? Do I have a loyal audience full of
non-voters that I can influence? No, so in what way does your "if
everyone acted like you did" argument in ANY way apply to any of this?
You can repeat, "If everyone like you voted we could change things!"
all you like. Say it until your little heart's content and you can
sleep at night. Go on, it still won't change the fact that I don't
somehow cause other people to vote or not vote. Voting isn't a virus,
it's not magical My-Fucking-Little-Pony magic.
OHHHH hell OK fine. I live in FLA and I'm voting Dem in 2000. AND if
I vote, my intense psyche will reverberate through jesus' invisible
flying ass pigs and make other people vote because some idiot in an
animal suit said so in between Saturday morning cartoons when you were
eight. So now both I, and Random Guy #1 voted in 2000. Did RG#1 live
in Florida also? Unlikely. Did he also happen to be a Dem? Maybe.
Did BOTH of us fit that bill exactly? Well there's a good 1 in 10,000
chance that any two random non-voter adults who go back in time to vote
will happen to meet those two minimum requirements necessary for this
to work. But that's lame we need more people! OK so how about another
eight are also somehow swayed and go with me back in time in my
Rock-The-Vote ChronoVan 2000. Great! Are we all democrats that happen
to live in Florida? Hells yeah! There's a good 1 in
100,000,000,000,000,000,000 (no idea what that number is called)
chance! BOOYAH! That's OK, we're in unicorn land here so let's roll
with it. HUZZAH! NOW Bush only won by Five Hundred And TWENTY-SEVEN
votes! TAKE THAT RIGHT WING!
Right. Bite me.
Oh and let's not forget our wonderful two-fucking-party system! You
know what would have ACTUALLY turned the Florida, and so the national
2000 election around? Nader not running. Some Republicans went so far
as to run local vote-for-Nader campaigns to suck votes out of Gore. I
don't blame them for it either considering Nader won them the
election. Do I blame Nader? Hell no good the fuck for him, it's not
his fault our electoral process is dumb enough for monkeys to redesign
into something better in between juice time and nap time. How the FUCK
is anyone in a third party ever going to get elected? I suppose it
could happen eventually when things have settled down a bit, tensions
have calmed and irrational levels of tribe loyalty die down some day,
maybe then. Of course that'll just lead to a different entrenched two
parties, not to mention I suppose that one could argue that RIGHT NOW
might be a good time for change, as opposed to 2040 when we all live in
a desert and have to fend the smog-mutants off from our dwindling
supply of water. Other countries have runoff elections that actually
allow for third (and more!) parties to serve as something more than
spoilers. If the syphilis infested cum bubbles running the polls could
actually keep track of votes, it'd be the easiest thing in the fucking
world to just let people vote for their *primary* choice, and failing
that their *secondary* choice as an alternative, then you wouldn't even
need extra elections. Why the fuck can't America pull that shit off if
other countries can? I guess it's just because we don't want to, being
unquestionably #1 and all.
So I know some of you who glossed over the math, probably with your
hands over your ears or eyes repeating, "LALALALALAICAN'THEARYOU" are
saying something along the lines of, "Well if it bugs you, get out
there and VOTE for something better!" Again I refer you to the point
that as I don't have a national audience due to my TV show, radio show,
or newspaper column I can neither directly impact an election nor
influence other people to vote that aren't doing it already.
I suppose though if I really wanted to, I could start some sort of big
campaign to change our voting procedures though huh? I can see your
happy eyes lighting up already! I could make a difference, I could get
out there, I could bring my friends and like protest or start a parade
or some shit! We could like change the world! "Attica! Attica!"
Start a movement! Make a difference and bring light, joy, and candy
canes to the unwashed plebs of the world.
I agree with you there, that could actually work. It works all the
time. It also has nothing to do with voting. People like to talk the
talk. It's easy to feel self righteous about getting out once every
four years for half an hour and pulling a lever, pushing a button, or
doing whatever the fuck it is one does to a hanging chad. Yeah you
even get a sticker. A big, bright, colorful, reaffirming, "I voted!"
sticker. It's even time off of work! And then you can
self-congratulate with your responsible citizen coworkers around the
water cooler, fuck yeah we're making the world a better place!
Sadly, no matter who you are you cannot argue that if on the way to
voting in 2000 you'd stubbed your toe and had to go to the hospital
instead it'd have made a difference in the outcome. At BEST it came
down to 537 people (ignoring all that "voter fraud stuff.")
Considering 2000 was the closest vote in US history if you stubbed your
toe on the way to vote every four years of your life and missed every
single one, it would have never mattered. Not once, not in any way,
you can't debate those numbers. So what the fuck is that smug
expression that accompanies your star-bellied Sneech club sticker for
exactly anyway? What is it exactly that you did? In what way did you
contribute one fucking beneficial iota of anything to the world by
voting?
You didn't. Not a single fucking thing changed from any one of your
votes, and unless somehow you're all quantum entangled, none of you
will be influencing groups of others now will you? I'm not arguing
that none of us can make a difference. I'm saying that doing nothing
year-round and then wasting a half hour every four years with no real
impact doesn't mean you've made the world safe for democracy, liberty,
and all that other founding father holy writ shit. If you're actually
out there driving that Rock-The-Vote van, or actually involved in some
sort of get-out-the-vote program that might actually influence a large
group of non-voters then you come talk to me. I know you'd like to
stimulate that happy little laminated place in your brain that actually
tells you that you've done your part for another four years, but it's
just bullshit. Be nice to your friends, do someone a favor, start a
parade, start a blog or a podcast, defend someone, give a homeless
person some cash, call your mom, do SOMETHING. Something with actual
meaning. THEN talk to me about earning the right to complain about the
president and the state of the world, otherwise keep your smug and
meaningless sticker the fuck out of my face and stop invoking hollow
soundbites about not having the right to complain. We all struggle, we
all live as well (or poorly) as we're able. Some of us can't walk,
some of us can't see, some of us are depressed or bi-polar. Some of us
are just fucking fine, unlucky in love, divorced, ninjas, pirates,
illegal aliens, or Buffy the fucking Vampire Slayer. Vote or no, we
all have the right to complain because we're all fucking stuck here.
Complaining is like breathing, it's inalienable and necessary.
So that's my by-the-numbers rationale for it, it's not really the truth
of it though, not really. The really-real truth here is straight up
misanthropy with a healthy heaping of apathetic ennui. Most of you
won't agree with me here no matter what. I don't think people should
suffer, but I really don't like humanity. I'm not just saying that to
sound cool and aloof, it's how I've always felt. We're a selfish,
harsh, conflicted, irrational, cliquish species. The human condition
can kiss my ass. Empires rise and fall, histories are made,
incorrectly recorded, and forgotten. Not a goddamn thing matters in
the end. Someday no one will ever know any of us existed, someday
there probably won't be anyone left to not know it.
30,000 people starve to death every day. DAY. STARVE to death, like
they literally can't get any food. 30,000. 30,000. THIRTY FUCKING
THOUSAND PEOPLE A *DAY*. 5,500 die from Tuberculosis every day
too, and every year that number goes up as resistant strains are on the
rise and for the most part no one seems to really give much of a fuck
'round here. Over 35,000 every twenty-four hours from just those two,
and people have the absurd audacity to scream, "Never forget 9/11!"
Fuck 9/11. The U.S. is going to spend One Trillion Dollars in Iraq and
let everyone else rot to death. I'm not blaming The US here, I just
bring it up because that's where I happen to live. The real sadistic
criminal at fault is simply human nature, and we certainly don't have
anyone to blame for that, which in the end is why we distract ourselves
with the small shit.
OH I know!! Let's get out there and vote so we can finally do
something about the looming problem of fags getting married and violent
video games! Yeah whatever. Wear your fucking stickers then. Me? I
plan on never having any children and watching the world burn.
-Shmoo
"Target Audience (Narcissus Narcosis)" /
Marilyn Manson
Am I sorry your sky went black,
put your knives in babies backs?
Am I sorry you killed the Kennedy's and Huxley too?
But I'm sorry Shakespeare
was your scapegoat
and your apples sticking into my throat
Sorry your Sunday smiles are rusty nails
and your crucifixion commercials failed
but I'm just a pitiful anonymous
And I see all the young believers
Your target audience
I see all the old deceivers
we all just sing their song
Am I sorry to be alive
putting my face in the beehive?
Am I sorry for Booth and Oswald, pinks and cocaine too?
I'm sorry you never check
the bag in my head for a bomb
and my halo was a needle hole
I'm sorry I saw a priest being beaten
and I made a wish
but I'm just a pitiful anonymous
And I see all the young believers
Your target audience
I see all the old deceivers
we all just sing their song
we all just sing their song
"the valley of death we are free
your father's your prison you see"
And I see all the young believers
Your target audience
I see all the old deceivers
we all just sing their song
you're just a copy of an imitation
----- references -----
U.S. presidential election, 2000, in Florida:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._presidential_election%2C_2000%2C_in_Florida
2000 election controversy :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2000_United_States_election#Controversy_in_Florida
Scrub List: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florida_Central_Voter_File